Hijacking the Founding Fathers
April 27th,  2010

Utah celebrates the latest release of the Founding Fathers 2.0: Faster, Better, Deeply Christian!

A friendly editorial by Jacob Hodgen (Originally written March 30th)

In the 1970's, the Church of Scientology carried out the largest government infiltration in American history. Over the course of several years, around 5,000 spies were dispatched to steal and destroy unfavorable documents about founder L. Ron Hubbard and the church. In the aftermath of these events, eleven high ranking Scientology officials were convicted in federal court. Their plan to alter history. . . had failed.

Last year in Beirut, information about the diary of Anne Frank was censored by Hezzbollah officials who objected to it being taught to their children. Right now in Iran, President Ahmadinejad openly denounces the holocaust as a myth and claims reports of Nazi death camps are an "exaggeration." This belief is accepted in Iran to the point that it's being written into the official state curriculum and printed in textbooks. Their plan to alter history. . . is in full swing.

Come on now. Don't look so worried. What's a little revisionist history among friends?

If at First You Don't Succeed, Rewrite History

Just a few weeks ago, the industrious Texas Board of Education created an improved, "conservatized" version of their history texts to now include such things as the integral contributions of the National Rifle Association to American history, to defend McCarthyism, and to summarily demote Thomas Jefferson from a list of influential thinkers, since he was the one to coin the now unpopular phrase, "separation of church of state."

Though no real historians were ever consulted by the Board, David Bradley, a local real estate agent in Texas, explained his reasoning on why he thought generally established history should receive a curb stomping: personal politics. "I reject the notion by the left of a constitutional separation of church and state."

Though the Board passed the revisions easily, there were a few sticklers who did not share their exuberance for this strategic retelling of our collective past. After hearing the news, one Texan wrote, "The social conservatives have perverted accurate history to fulfill their own agenda." Another writer bemoaned, "Can we trade Texas to Mexico for a lifetime supply of tacos?"

Puh-lease! Changing the textbooks is a great idea. We all know that history is subjective and continuously changing. How do these naysayers know that someday the facts we invent now to fit our short term political goals won't become true? Have a little faith, people. Geez. Besides, the best part of revising history is that it's guilt free, since it's not a partisan issue. Take China, for example. Altering history is the current national pastime for those rascally members of the National Communist Party. There, according to CNN, an estimated 280,000 workers are actively paid by the government to troll the Internet and manipulate public opinion and data. You hear that Texas? You'd better get your numbers up--unless you want to only be second best!

The New and Improved Founding Fathers

Not to be outdone in the field of aggressive historiography by their Eastern and Southern counterparts, Utahns stand ready and able to compete in the lucrative market of revisionist history. One of the favorite local products is Utah's steamy love affair with the American Founding Fathers.

Most frequently invoked by purportedly religious politicians in wanton disregard for the following scriptural passages they purport to believe, 1 Samuel 15:23, 1 Peter 2:13, Romans 13:1 (LDS? See article of Faith #12), no mere mortals, the Founding Fathers were titans of patriotism unrivaled in their love for their country and respect for the rule of law.

Utahns know that the Founding Fathers were also deeply Christian, every single one of them, and that these great men--and they alone--should be looked to for insight into every aspect of how 21st century society should function.

No one knows this better than Highland Elementary PTA president Erin Pritchett, who worked to get "In God We Trust" posters placed in every classroom. "To me, our country's national survival depends on trusting in God," she said in an interview. "The kids need to remember why we're all here. This country was founded by Christian men as a Christian nation."

Pritchett had the support of Principal Reed Hodson, who didn't think they should stop there. "We're all about democracy and teaching how the Constitution works," said Hodson. He also wants to post copies of the Ten Commandments in schools across the state. "Following the Ten Commandments leads to positive consequences in life," the principal says. He further explained that if he can get away with it, the posters would be mandatory. "They're going to be doing it willingly."

Though these claims may have no actual basis in "real" history, re-imagining the past certainly does not diminish its political potency amongst the community. Professional historians might point to the fact that Thomas Paine openly despised Christianity with a fiery passion and vehemently wrote against it throughout his life. They might also suggest that men like Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and others also repeatedly denounced the Christians groups of their time and support their claims with numerous publicly accessible examples of their anti-religious writings. One might also remind people that Jefferson even went so far as to tear out all of the parts in his Bible that discussed the divinity of Jesus. Besides, their private religious beliefs--or lack of them--surely doesn't diminish their numerous great accomplishments and their status as pillars of our country, does it?

Well, the wealth of clearly documented, irrefutable evidence that the Founders Fathers were not all Christian by any stretch of the imagination--especially not in terms of what the word means today--isn't going to help anyone get elected, so let's just ignore it. They are going to be Christian, and they're going to like it!

But that leaves the question of "how?" How could we possible get away with such an ridiculous farce? How could one possibly convince so many people to believe in something that is demonstrably absurd? Repetition, my friend. Repetition. Repetition.

This plot to rewrite history. . . is based on volume!

Utah and the Founding Fathers

Utah has its own powerful, local connection to this topic. According to LDS Church doctrine, America's Founding Fathers were so religious that they appeared to Wilford Woodruff in the St. George Temple and requested to be baptized. Don't get me wrong; this isn't an attack on anyone's beliefs. This is a fun lesson in etymology!

By opting for strategic post-death conversion, this allows for a wide range of inconveniently dissident political opponents to be posthumously canonized without room for questioning. However, just in case any historians do raise an eyebrow with any lingering skepticism, President Woodruff preemptively ended the discussion: "When one casts doubt about the character of these noble sons of God, I believe he or she will have to answer to the God of heaven for it."

Take that Thomas Paine!

And the local connection does not stop there. Salt Lake City native and future President of the LDS Church George Albert Smith further backed up Woodruff when he wrote, "I am saying to you that to me the Constitution of the United States of America is just as much from my Heavenly Father as the Ten Commandments."

These powerful statements have no doubt helped shape the mind of people like local favorite Glenn Beck, whose influence in books, radio, television, and stage have earned him an income of about $23 million a year and a place as arguably the most notable Mormon in the world. Much beloved in Utah, despite his controversial tirades, Beck has given speeches at both BYU and UVU and has hosted Provo's popular Stadium of Fire.

Beck says,

"Progressives have built up this wall of separation between church and state, and it's nonsense. It's not what we were founded on. We were founded on ten little safety tips that nobody can even put in any public building anymore or dare we utter them. Let's take down that fictional wall. It never existed. It was to protect the churches."

Well played, sir. You have encapsulated and perhaps even created an entire political party with this subtly crafted jewel of insightful prose. It's a veritable mini master class in revisionist history, and Utahns love it!

This plot to rewrite history. . . relies on people being too lazy to Google it!

Beck's claim is interesting on numerous levels, and once again appeals to the apparently popular trope of cross referencing the 10 Commandments with the Founding Fathers, which we have already stumbled across thrice. Let's take a crack at this, shall we?

First off, the only 10 commandments named in the Bible--you know, the ones carven in stone--are known as the "Ritual Decalogue." They are a bit different than the ones people like to hang in courthouses. For example, the 10th commandment of the Ritual Decalogue proclaims, "Thou shalt not boil a baby goat in his mother's milk."

Is this news to you? When the real 10 commandments proved a tough sell to modern Christians, people started to fudge the citation to focus on a different list of rules called the "Ethical Decalogue," of which there just happen to be 10 of as well. It was a sly move, but this list involved considerably fewer weird references to killing animals. The "Ethical Decalogue" may have absolutely nothing to do with the actual 10 commandments described in Old Testament, but hey, who bothers to actually read that darn thing, anyways? Non-imaginary history sure is boring. Let's get back to the good parts!

This plot to rewrite history. . . involves less goat boiling!

As for that separation of church and state bit, never mind the fact that the actual foundation for American government was laid by religious separatists who were fed up with being persecuted by a state-sponsored religion. In this sense, when it comes to the pilgrims, Beck is totally right. The Puritans did want to protect their church from the government--and those pesky Indians and witches, too--and what a fine job they did! The Founding Fathers of the 1700's, however, wanted the opposite: they were fed up with the British government for political reasons. Remember how the entire Declaration of Independence is directed to the King of England about exclusively political--and not religious--grievances? Don't bother to read it for yourself. You leave that to the professionals and run along now.

Beck's attempt to abolish the separation of church and state to establish a theocracy reflects the views of the Texas Board of Education that we discussed previously. Don McLeroy, a Dentist and former Chairman of the Board, expounded upon what he, and I think what the Principal of Alpine Elementary and Glenn Beck are trying to get at:

"I consider myself a Christian fundamentalist," McLeroy says. "Textbooks are mostly the product of the liberal establishment, and they're written with the idea that our religion and our liberty are in conflict [. . .] The men who wrote the Constitution were Christians who knew the Bible. Our idea of individual rights comes from the Bible."

Of course: it's the old "our rights and liberty are hanging by a thread at the hands of godless infidels" routine. That sounds strangely familiar. Now where have I heard that before? Anyways, they aren't the only ones who are so wisely preaching this important message.

This plot to rewrite history. . . is already equipping assault rifles!

Revolution Calling

On March 29th, the Tea Party Express began to roll into Utah on a nationwide tour urging Americans to get back to the ideals of the Founding Fathers. One local attendee remarked, "It is not about the Republican Party. It is not about right or left. It's about liberty versus tyranny."

You, sir, couldn't be any more correct. History is not a partisan issue, and it's not just rhetoric either. This is indeed serious business.

Also on March 29th, in what is certainly only a freak coincidence, nine brave members of the Hutaree Militia, a heavily armed paramilitary group in Michigan, were arrested for doing nothing more than following the example of the Founding Fathers: their plan was to kill local officials and overthrow the government as a witness to the testimony of Jesus Christ. "Jesus wanted us to be ready to defend ourselves using the sword and stay alive using equipment," says their website. "We, the Hutaree, are prepared to defend all those who belong to Christ and save those who aren't."

You tell 'em, boys!

Gun sales in Utah have increased exponentially and arrests in violent militias have gone up 300% in the last two years, and so I ask you once again the following question: considering all we've talked about,

What's a little revisionist history among friends?

If you are a true American and believe as I do--that the ends always justify the means, and that evidence should never be allowed to hinder one's personal agenda--then join with me now as we celebrate our glorious heritage and a bright future with a rousing anthem of patriotism!

Comments:

After having some trouble importing the large number of sudden comments from a variety of sources, we decided to hard code them into the article before we lost them. We've done our best to maintain the proper sequence, and we have kept all comments anonymous. You may still add comments via the gadget at the very bottom of the page. The most recent comments are on top.

May 1, 2010 6:50:13 PM

Whatever happened to these Founders being Deists? That's what we learned in middle school. We know for certain Franklin was a Deist, as was Jefferson, and most certainly Thomas Paine (enthusiastically). So, the only historical lens to understand these men's writings is Deism. I am glad for Deists, as their religion does not exclude intellectual activities. Anyone who has read Franklin or Jeffersons personal writings knows they were indeed intellectual, and quite critical of mainstream religion. To pretend they were "fundamentalists" or would support fundamentalism of today, is both imprudent and historically illiterate (ignorant). Why not take an actual interest in history itself? Franklin was a fascinating man. You cant just go saying whatever you want about the founding fathers' religious persuasion. Because what happens when the people who believe it strongly find out it isn't really true? I'll tell you - we see precisely what is happening in Texas right now - people erasing and shading history to their preferred version. That's called brainwashing, folks. For God's sake, people, read a book. Please. The American loudmouth problem is bad enough as it is.

Teabagging movement is being laughed off the face of the planet. (liberal fantasy)

The tea Party Patriots aren't going anywhere as much as you want to fantasize that they will fade away the basis of their argument is solid, their movement is growing not shrinking and your pathetic bleating is just noise from one of the existing incompetent political parties that doesn't deserve the opportunity to serve this country any longer.

The death of the traditional political parties will eventually come, all parties die over time as they drift away from the proletariat and become irrelevant - like the GOP has become today.

Teabaggers are a laughing stock, and certainly not powerful

Last poll, about 20% said they sympathized with some of the teabagger's complaints. And, a funny thing happens when you ask people about them: opposite of the Health care bill, the more you tell people about the Baggers, the less they like them and the less they approve of their tactics.

I am actually happy the baggers are around. They are going to eviscerate the GOP vote in November, and you can almost count on another Obama term after his current one is up.

Tea Party Success Prompts Vilification

Perhaps it is the runaway vilification that speaks loudest to the Tea Party movement's amassing power.

Although not centrally organized, with no figurehead leader for scowling pundits to bash a la Joe the Plumber, the hurling of vitriol from opposition groups shows the intensity many are investing in taking Tea Partiers down.

Former ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis last week used the word "bowel" to describe the Tea Party movement, warning a young Socialists group that "they are coming after you."

Others, watching with fear as the group's potent grassroots activism grows around the nation, have invoked the "r" word, dubbing the Tea Party protestors as racists - not only for their skin color or white, middle-class male demographic, but for their vocal opposition for the expansion of government - including programs benefitting minorities.

Wrote New York Times columnist Frank Rich: "Those who are threatened and enraged by the new Obama order are volatile. Conservative politicians are taking a walk on the wild side by coddling and encouraging them, whatever the short-term political gain.

No matter their detractors or their assertion that protecting freedom, rather than party politics, is their driving force, Tea Partiers are gaining traction among mainstream voters. A recent Rasmussen poll found a shocking 24% of Americans identifying with the Tea Party, a gain of eight percentage points in the past month.

Such a statistic should make both Republicans and Democrats pause as the 2010 election cycle heats up. Whispers of "one-term" drift across the Beltway with President Obama shifting ever more to the left while he still has support among high-beam liberals for his rapidly waning agenda.

The truth about the idiocy of the tea patriers (crash the tea parties hit group)

The "what we see" bs is nothing more than a hatchet job perpetrated by liberals and progressives to try and derail the tea parties, without more taxes the progressives can't pursue their agenda.

The description below certainly is a lie, I doubt many republicans or independents would be involved in undercutting a group asking for lower taxes and lower spending by government.

This throws all your arguments about stupidity and racism in the tea party into doubt, you would have to prove that every sign you show is not a plant from the progressives, prove that the racism you talk about isnt a specific part of a plan to discredit the movement.

You're tea party hating position is completely unsupportable now as all of your "evidence" is suspect!

Yesterday at 12:24pm

Two thumbs up!

Yesterday at 11:49am

So, are you telling me the Lord Jesus did not sign the Declaration of Independence, and the Founding Fathers did not fight in the Crusades? If that is what you're trying to tell me, then, sir, I shall have to ask you to step outside!

The Inner Sanctum of the Tea Party (Manifesto Found )

Tea Party Membership Guidelines:

WE Are Right Wing: Tea Party Members are fervently against: Marxism, Socialism, Anarchism, Communism, Environmentalism; etc - in essence, we are against the progressive left in total, including moderate lefts (social democrats, etc). The Tea Party is an extreme right wing ideology, and it will be opportunistic as well as reaching in nature.

NATIONALISM Comes First: Tea Party Members shall place a very strong emphasis on patriotism and nationalism. We shall criticize all of the nation's main ideals, especially health care, lambasted as unpatriotic at best and treason at worst. Our propaganda shall consistently broadcasts threats of attack, while justifying pre-emptive war. The Tea Party invariably seeks to instill in our members the warrior mentality: to always be vigilant, wary of strangers and suspicious of foreigners.

OUR Hierarchy: The Tea Party society is ruled by a righteous leader, who is supported by an elite secret vanguard of capitalists. Oligarchy shall be prevalent throughout all aspects of our society - every street, every workplace, every school, will have its local Militia, part police-informer, part bureaucrat - and our society is prepared for war at all times. The absolute power of the social hierarchy prevails over everything, and thus a totalitarian society shall be formed. Representative government is acceptable

ONLY if it can be controlled and regulated, direct democracy (e.g. Communism) is the greatest of all crimes. Any who oppose the social hierarchy of The Tea Party shall be imprisoned or executed.

WE ARE Anti-equality: The Tea Party loathes the principles of economic equality and disdains equality between immigrant and citizen. Some forms of The Tea Party extend the fight against equality into other areas: gender, sexual, minority or religious rights, the best and most current example is the Immigration Law passed in the great state of Arizona.

MOST Of All, Religious: The Tea Party shall contain a strong amount of diehard religious beliefs, harking back to times when religion was strict, potent, and pure. All Tea Party members shall be Christian, and are supported by Catholic and Protestant churches.

Capitalist: The Tea Party does not require revolution to exist in capitalist society: Tea Party Members can be elected into office (though our disdain for elections usually means manipulation of the electoral system, such as the Supreme Court decision in 2000 stopping the counting of votes for the Office of the President). We view parliamentary and congressional systems of government to be inefficient and weak, and will do our best to minimize its power over our policy agenda. The Tea Party exhibits the best kind of capitalism where corporate power is absolute, and all vestiges of workers' rights will be destroyed.

War: The Tea Party shall represent capitalism at the stage of powerful imperialism. War can create markets that would not otherwise exist (think of the glorious capitalistic gains by Cheney and his Halliburton Corporation!) By wreaking massive devastation on a society, which then requires reconstruction! The Tea Party can thus "liberate" the survivors; provide huge loans to that society so The Tea Party Members corporations can begin the process of rebuilding and be viewed (albeit erroneously) as benevolent stewards of a thriving society.

Voluntarism Ideology: The Tea Party has adopted a certain kind of "voluntarism;" they believe that an act of will, if sufficiently powerful, can make something true. Thus all sorts of ideas about racial inferiority, historical destiny, even physical science, are supported by means of violence, in the belief that they can be made true. It is this sense that Tea Party Movement shall be subjectivist.

We Shall Be: Anti-Modern: Tea Party Members shall loathe all kinds of modernism, especially creativity in the arts, whether acting as a mirror for life (where it does not conform to the Tea Party Members ideal), or expressing deviant or innovative points of view. The Tea Party invariably shall, with great righteousness and furious anger, burns books and victimizes artists, and artists which do not promote the Tea Party's ideals shall be seen as "decadent." Tea Party Members are hostile to broad learning and interest in other cultures, since such pursuits can threaten the dominance of The Tea Party myths. The peddling of conspiracy theories will be substituted for the objective study of history.

Yesterday at 11:40am

Great article, though this isn't just a problem where cults are the catalysts, the majority of state-sponsored history in America is bullshit.

Yesterday at 10:48am

Great stuff! Keep up the good work.

Re:re: Praise the Lord....

My hell you're retarded.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100426163828AAxnvIp

http://www.floppingaces.net/2010/04/25/violent-pro-illegal-immgration-protest-in-arizona/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dawn-teo/protest-against-americas_b_425970.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jaXpysu_7E8

You're just another fucking liberal shill cocksucking slanted journalist. FUCK YOU!

Re: Hijacking the Founding Fathers

Book burning - a proud Christian tradition! Wherever Saint Paul went, the smell of burning books followed (see the Acts of the Apostles)

Praise?

Praise nothing, but feel free to pass that ammunition anytime.

Yesterday at 10:30am

Amazing article. Thank you for posting this.

re: Praise the Lord.... -

"If its a million man march of Hispanics down the main streets of LA you would only see them as civil rights protesters when they undoubtedly have many religious zealots in their ranks."

That's because they aren't running around with automatic weapons screaming "WE WANT OUR AMERICA BACK!" I have yet to see one of them holding up a cross or picture of Jesus claiming Jesus wanted man to get violent when things didn't go their way. But, I've seen that in a LOT of teaparty coverage.

"But a million person march on Washingotn to demand spending control and tax reductions only elicits an anti-religious viewpoint and completly misses the entire movement of their organization."

Because that's what everyone sees of their movement. Everytime they talk about violence or controlling something they bring Jesus or God into it. And most of these people bitching about government spending are living in states where they pass laws to keep the government out of their lives but beg for it's help at the same time they're bitching. And, BTW, my federal taxes have dropped drastically, but for some reason my state taxes out here just keep climbing. Hmmmm....so much for government spending..

"If you are such a fine journalist - yes I read your article - then why not find the non main stream story"

That's just the point. We have yet to see the non-main stream teabaggers. Where are these level headed, educated, informed individuals that actually read real sources and not just spew what they hear the likes of Beck, Hannity and Limbaugh shitting out of their mouths every chance they get.? Where are these true patriots that have guns but know that violence or at least the implied threat of such doesn't always get your way?

You can't call the writer hypocritical because that's all WE'VE all seen. If you have a problem with other people's perception of what the party is and stands for, then get out and change it. Show us that there are normal people in this party and not a bunch of cross eyed, inbred hicks living off the government's dole while yelling about less government spending. And you can argue until the cows come home, but not many of those protesting are in the top 5% of the richest in this nation. Hmmm...wonder why they aren't out there marching with the TP's.

Re:Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition - -

While I agree that there is no lack of religious nutjobs in America and the tea bagger movement has its fair share casting a wide net to make all teabaggers look like religious zealots out to rewrite history is fdoing a disservice to your fellow countrymen who only want to restrain the federal governments tax and spend ways. "Restrain the government to the Constitution" - is that an unamerican message? If its a million man march of Hispanics down the main streets of LA you would only see them as civil rights protesters when they undoubtedly have many religious zealots in their ranks. But a milloin person march on Washingotn to demand spending control and tax reductions only elicits an anti-religious viewpoint and completly misses the entire movement of their organization.

If you are such a fine journalist - yes I read your article - then why not find the non main stream story - tell us about the real tea party partiots and what they want - not the left leaning hypocritical bullshit that your trying to pass off as news. Its funny in your article you rail against rewriting history - while doing it yourself - the very definition of hypocrite.

Praise the Lard

Let's call you what you really are - one of a dime-a-dozen bloggers who call themselves "journalists" but couldn't write themselves out of their fat half-cousin's wedding RSVP.

Let's call you what you really are - a whiny, pissy conservative nobody on CL who is bummed that their little teabagging movement is being laughed off the face of the planet.

Re:Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition -

Let's call you what you really are - one of a dime-a-dozen bloggers who call themselves "journalists" but couldn't write themselves out of their fat half-cousin's wedding RSVP.

It's like getting my news from Comedy Central...at 3 a.m., jammed between ShamWow and penis pill commercials.

Yesterday at 10:19am

Dude, with the rewriting of history books in texas, this plan seems to already be underway. It's disgusting that people can literally erase history (since people like myself would not know much about history had it not been for my history book and classes).

Maybe we should just get rid of history classes altogether, im sure theres some more stuff ... they dont agree with in there, and if they dont agree with it then it is probably the antichrist. anyone else for a good ol fashioned book burnin? HOO DOGGY i cant wait!

Yesterday at 10:16am

Brilliant.

Re: Hijacking the Founding Fathers

"While we are zealously performing the duties of good citizens and soldiers, we certainly ought not to be inattentive to the higher duties of religion. To the distinguished character of Patriot, it should be our highest glory to add the more distinguished character of Christian." --GEORGE WASHINGTON

"I am a real Christian - that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus Christ." --THOMAS JEFFERSON

"The general principles on which the fathers achieved independence were the general principles of Christianity. I will avow that I then believed, and now believe, that those general principles of Christianity are as eternal and immutable as the existence and attributes of God." --JOHN ADAMS

"As to Jesus of Nazareth, my opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the system of morals and His religion as He left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see." --BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

"The practice of morality being necessary for the well being of society, He [God] has taken care to impress its precepts so indelibly on our hearts that they shall not be effaced by the subtleties of our brain. We all agree in the obligation of the moral principles of Jesus and nowhere will they be found delivered in greater purity than in His discourses." --THOMAS JEFFERSON

Quotes in a vacuum are fun. I can throw quotes around, too. The important thing here is that virtually all of the Founders took for granted a Natural, or Higher, Law. Most of them interpreted this through the lens of Christianity. So what?

Yesterday at 8:41am

Right on the money, but stop casting all the tea baggers as stupid religious cultists, that is a small minority of republicans, the real tea baggers only care about taxes and spending - the rest is media distortion. The vast majority of tea baggers do not care about social issues, they are tired of the abortion war, the gay rights war etc - lets focus here for a second - taxes and spending out of control - anything else is irrelevant.

 

 

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