Secrets from a Modern Dater
February 20th, 2009
Navigate the world of modern dating: reviews of popular modern dating services including match.com, true.com, e-harmony, yahoo personals and speed dating.
by Rebecca Edwards
You've seen it in movies like Must Love Dogs and Hitch. Even the OCD detective featured in the hit series Monk has given it a try. I'm talking about the foibles and follies of the modern dating landscape. From Match.com to speed dating, the 21st century offers up courting rituals unlike any our society has seen before.
As a woman who got divorced around 30, in Utah, and not of the predominant religion, online dating became an inevitable option for me when I was ready to get back in the dating game. I tried to avoid it as long as I could, but one night after several glasses of wine and the coercion of my friends, I joined Match.com and entered the world of cyber-courtship. My daughters instantly deemed the practice of browsing through profiles and pictures "man-shopping."
Any serious shopper knows that you can't always find what you're looking for if you only shop in one store; therefore, I decided to diversify. I joined PerfectMatch.com, True.com, eHarmony, and Yahoo personals. While the primary goal of each of these sites is similar--to be a forum to get singles in touch with each other--each has its own distinctive personality.
eHarmony
is probably the most specific of the dating sites I tried. As their TV commercials profess, this site is targeted toward people who are looking to enter a serious relationship that will likely lead to the ultimate prize: marriage. This site not only costs more than others, but has a seemingly-endless series of hoops to jump through before you can even directly email someone that they decided you may be interested in--there is no free-range man-shopping on this site! They only suggested four potential matches for me during my entire membership, and I never got through all the red tape to actually talk to any of them. While I'm sure that it has been successful for all the people bearing their testimony on the TV commercials, for a man-shopper like me it's like standing in a long line for an awesome pair of boots and then realizing that you have the last pair, they're not even in your size, and they were mistakenly marked down.
PerfectMatch.com
is sort of like "eHarmony lite." This site also offers compatability profiles and suggests matches for you, but also allows its users the freedom to browse on their own. They offer a lot of extras like relationship advice, profile and email tips, and multiple compatability and communication tools. Overall, PerfectMatch had by far the least number of members and potential matches of any browseable site. I only kept my membership here for one month, and didn't end up connecting with anyone.
True.com
is a site only slightly removed from adultfriendfinder.com. Users on this site are often looking to hook-up for one-night stands or are seeking friends with benefits. Even so, I did end up talking to a few guys from this site who were actually looking to date. These guys, like me, weren't clear about the reputation or intention of the site when they checked it out--True just had a lot of members and many were people I hadn't seen on other sites.
Yahoo Personals
is actually one of my favorite sites. It's very inexpensive to join, and they let you browse--and even begin communicating--for free. They have a lot of members and in all my ventures into cyber-dating, I met the least number of creeps on this site. The site is pretty simple and straightforward, and more affordable than most. I met one guy on Yahoo Personals who I dated for six months.
Match.com
is the site I have used the longest and the most often. This site offers the user the ultimate man (or woman) shopping experience. It is easy to browse the merchandise, and equally easy for the merchandise to find you. Maybe it's just my comfort zone, but I have dated several guys who I met on Match.com; two of them for over six months. Match.com also offers compatability and communication tools, but you can have equal success on this site with or without them. For the money and the features, this site is definitely the best bet for people who want a large pool of matches to choose from and are looking for people to date--without the pressure of either finding your soulmate or having to put out.
Art of the Profile
As I became more comfortable, I experimented with my profiles--trying out different headlines and highlighting different aspects of my personality/hobbies/interests. As a successful woman, I found that I got different responses when I disclosed my income range and/or job title. If I offered full disclosure, the only nibbles I got were from unemployed "artists" and "students" looking for a sugar-mama. My professional success seemed to be a turn-off for everyone else--even in these so-called modern times.
I began to run into "regulars." Guys, who like me, were increasing their odds by putting profiles on multiple sites. If we had been trolling the bar scene rather than the Internet, I'm sure we would have greeted one another with a knowing nod of the head and the occasional drink sent over. These guys, for the most part, seemed less creative in their approach--placing identical information, pics, and headlines on each site. For me, it was almost more of a sociological experiment--I had to see what impact the little differences made, if any.
Speed Dating
After a while, I needed to expand my options even more. I entered the mysterious world of speed dating--and to this day, I am still the only person I know who has done it. All I knew about speed dating was what I had seen in movies and on TV. I signed up through a company called cupid.com. For about $35 you get to attend a speed dating event where you can meet up to 12 men, plus you get an online profile on their dating site for one month. You can choose different age ranges in which to participate--interestingly enough, the age range of the women is always at least two years younger than the age range of the men in the same group. Apparently men are looking for younger women, but women can't look for younger men.
My first event, hosted at Green Street, started out with a lot of nerves; however, once I got my number, took a seat at my table (the men move and the women stay put), and ordered a glass of wine I started to feel better. Looking around the room, I saw a couple really cute guys and realized that I was definitely the youngest woman there (I was at the low end of the age range for this one.) They give you a score sheet where you log each guy's number, name and any distinguishing characteristics that might help you remember which one he was. It seems like overkill, (how hard is it to remember 12 guys?) it isn't. It's amazing how much you can learn about someone in five minutes--and how much it can seem exactly like what you learned about the one who was two guys ago.
The thing I like about speed dating is that you can instantly tell whether you'd ever want to spend one more minute in this person's company or not. You can also tell if their picture, weight, age & height are current. I found that the majority of men I met speed dating were successful, mostly relocated to Utah, and unsure how to meet someone that A) isn't looking to get married in the temple right away or B) isn't a barfly. Speed dating, with its focus on working professionals looking to meet others with similar backgrounds and priorities, is a valid option for those impatient with the online process or tired of the bar scene.
All in all, I have had three relationships with people I met online and many enjoyable dates with guys from both the internet and speed dating. In between, I have taken time off and hoped to meet someone "the old-fashioned" way. Needless to say, I'm still waiting. Dating is now, more than ever, a proactive process that requires singles to use unconventional mediums and exercise a lot of patience and discrimination to find someone worth spending an entire dinner with--let alone the rest of your life.
Reader Comments
Kirsten Bergh
I'm waiting to the sequel of this article...I want to here about the really awful dates! I have a couple of girlfriends who have really cracked me up with bad internet dating experiences. Come on! Share your shame!
Shalamar Morrill
Secrets From A Modern Dater is very informative, if I was looking to join an online dating site, this would be very helpful. This is funny and easy to read.
Kathie Bischke
I am so glad that I never dated that way. I guess when it comes to dating I'm pretty old fashioned, but then I'm also happily married.
